What’s in My Cryptocurrency Portfolio

Marion Kozub

In a time of financial uncertainty, the cryptocurrency craze is taking global markets by storm. From prep-school teens on the Upper East Side to weird loners in Minnesota basements, everyone has decentralized, virtual currency on their hardware. Are you a budding crypto-genius? I certainly am, and running this YouTube channel […]

In a time of financial uncertainty, the cryptocurrency craze is taking global markets by storm. From prep-school teens on the Upper East Side to weird loners in Minnesota basements, everyone has decentralized, virtual currency on their hardware. Are you a budding crypto-genius? I certainly am, and running this YouTube channel proves it! Here’s what’s in my cryptocurrency portfolio. Disclaimer: This list is not to be considered financial advice.

GASSY.Computer

Purchasing GASSY is literally the worst thing you can do for the environment—and the best thing you can do for your financial future. The mining process of this coin is excruciating, involving a thousand individual C.P.U.s, a beef-processing plant, about two miles of rainforest destruction, and your National Grid provider. The returns, however, will be great, assuming the planet is still around by the time this coin reaches widespread adoption.

Plonk

Plonk is a dream. Plonk is a meme. Plonk is a coin created by two former Harvard students who paid someone from a state school to do the coding. By purchasing Plonk, you are buying a plot in a virtual-reality campus (“Harvard”) that will hopefully someday allow two guys to relive their best memories (from Harvard), which would be totally rad.

Wobbly Tokens

Why can’t all money exchanges be gambling? This is the fundamental question the creators of Wobbly Token asked themselves. Wobbly Tokens are decentralized from individual crypto wallets entirely, which is to say that, over time, they will become more and more difficult to locate, ultimately increasing their value. Wobbly Tokens minimize spendability until the last person holding a single Wobbly Token “wins,” and somehow that person will already be a billionaire anyway. But it could be you or me! (But it’s going to be Elon Musk.)

Shitecoin

Shitecoin is an income-generating N.F.T. mined by British TV actors saying “shite” in a limited series and/or multipart television event for an audience of American women age fifty-five to eighty-five. The benefit of this token is twofold: an open-source blockchain of moms is able to validate every transaction with precision, and they can also describe what Benedict Cumberbatch was wearing in each episode.

Confetti Protocol

Confetti Protocol is an ethereum-based protocol to provide additional insecurity to all transactions. Regardless of your place in the global financial system, Confetti Protocol is going to give you just a little bit of the “woo!” sensation that comes from not being sure if your money is going to make it.

Bitcoin Ethereum Wrapped Classic Lite Pro Plus

B.E.W.C.L.P.P. is a Bitcoin token wrapped onto the ethereum network that was optimized for greater transactability. It was initially known as B.E.W.C., until some guy on the C.S.R. committee was, like, “Actually, can we make this more sustainable?” So they did that, renaming it B.E.W.C.L. Then B.E.W.C.L. had a bit of an identity crisis while under review by the marketing department and became B.E.W.C.L.P., and later (for copyright reasons) B.E.W.C.L.P.P. Basically, it is what it is, and the whole team was just glad to finally get this one out the door.

Beefscale

Beefscale makes up ninety per cent of the portfolio of your loudest co-worker, who just happened to buy in at the right time, then short it at the right time, and then buy back in at the right time. You will never make money on this coin—its value has been steadily declining for six years, fuelling a subtle intra-office feud. When it spikes and then ultimately crashes, you’ll hear about how he sold it at its peak for a ten-thousand-per-cent profit, prompting the question: Why does he still work in a cubicle?


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