In a time of financial uncertainty, the cryptocurrency craze is taking global markets by storm. From prep-school teens on the Upper East Side to weird loners in Minnesota basements, everyone has decentralized, virtual currency on their hardware. Are you a budding crypto-genius? I certainly am, and running this YouTube channel proves it! Here’s what’s in my cryptocurrency portfolio. Disclaimer: This list is not to be considered financial advice.

GASSY.Computer

Purchasing GASSY is literally the worst thing you can do for the environment—and the best thing you can do for your financial future. The mining process of this coin is excruciating, involving a thousand individual C.P.U.s, a beef-processing plant, about two miles of rainforest destruction, and your National Grid provider. The returns, however, will be great, assuming the planet is still around by the time this coin reaches widespread adoption.

Plonk

Plonk is a dream. Plonk is a meme. Plonk is a coin created by two former Harvard students who paid someone from a state school to do the coding. By purchasing Plonk, you are buying a plot in a virtual-reality campus (“Harvard”) that will hopefully someday allow two guys to relive their best memories (from Harvard), which would be totally rad.

Wobbly Tokens

Why can’t all money exchanges be gambling? This is the fundamental question the creators of Wobbly Token asked themselves. Wobbly Tokens are decentralized from individual crypto wallets entirely, which is to say that, over time, they will become more and more difficult to locate, ultimately increasing their